I came home on my birthday night crying and weeping the entire hour(s) away.
For the first time, I complained to my dearests using the harshest.
For the first time, I felt I actually needed deliverance after birthday celebrations.
I groaned and groaned so loud with grief so deep.
It might have distrubed my parents next door, who were sound asleep.
But I know I can't bring this agony to my next morning and I have to release.
1 Timothy 5:17-19 (New Living Translation)says,
Elders who do their work well should be respected and paid well,especially those who work hard at both preaching and teaching.For the Scripture says, “You must not muzzle an ox to keep it from eating as it treads out the grain.” And in another place, “Those who work deserve their pay!”
I felt shortchanged by my cg-by the people whom I love, only to realise it is a one-way ticket.
My life, is totally devoted in my ministry and with absolutely clear conscience, I can say, that I have given my very best to bring out the members' very best.
I am definitely not the most perfect leader who preaches so well that draws in those from the north, the south, the west and the east.
In fact, I am miles and miles from a stone's throw away.
But I am one of those who sowed in her whole heart to serve, like many others who left their nets and boats when there is a greater need for fishers of man than fisherman.
Now I am truly convinced, my world shouldn't circulate around the ministry- sooner or later, my heart will turn cold.
My life shouldn't be just about Kunyan, Lydia, Hui, Serena, Hern, Wee, Ray, Sumi, Ah Yan, Sunshine, Joe, Marc, Rac...etc and some, not even worth mentioning.
Twice in a day in 2 locations yesterday, I gave the same bible study with a verse that says "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Apparently, I am not worthy of the CG's investment and I am not referring to finances. I am talking about time, about effort.
When I went through the verse during the bible study, my heart aches in silence.
Their treasures are not in me; their hearts are not with me.
They said, they talked, gave a nice speech during the cgm but the content really is, what I have done for them. So, what did they do for me?
If they can't stand with me in times of celebration, I can forget about having them stand by me in times of adversity.
Pastor said it during service. Many were there but who actually caught it?
For the first time, I am saying sorry to God- not for doing a bad job but really, I can't do the job. I can't. I don't know how to. I don't want to.
ENOUGH! Yup, enough. Enough of the ungratefuls.
I want to talk about my family- both spiritual and natural whom I am so grateful to (lest I am categorized as one of the above).
My MAMA loves me!
As the yearly norm, she will give me an ang pow on my birthday.
The amount is not that magnificent but she always ensures that I get my gift early .
Before she leaves for her church ministry, she came to my bed and wished me Happy Birthday.
And before she left for church this morning, she came to my bed (I'm a sleepyhead) and checked on me. I think she must have heard my cries.
When she saw that I was awake, she tried to test "waters" by asking what I received for my birthday and who gave the gifts. She just wanted to make sure her baby girl has had a happy day.
AND I DID- with my cell group that contains besties Xuan and Lamb, Ah Ling, Rong, JK, MK ... ...etc. Of cos, we shared the same Leader.
For the first time (for the first time in this entry, I am referring to happy memories!), I got my tailor-made CD with the trios picture and well wishes on the cover. Not to forget the lovely voices that was recorded in the CD which made the song double touching.
I got my flowers and I got my pink cushion too!
Ah Rong decided that it is too expensive to pay for my eyelid surgery so she bought me the double eyelid stickers with prayers endowed on them that my eyelids will really turn double after gradual use.
Meiyan was so dear. I asked for one set of fake nails and she gave me TWO!
Adi and MS, the two ah boys, were so sweet to even turn up and sweeter for getting the chocolates.
Jim and Zoe rushed down from Jurong West and reached before the clock struck twelve.
Cheryl H owe me a song together with SH.
Ah Ling dropped me at my house!
Of cos, my sister was the photographer throughout the celebration!
Even Mel who was in Japan, dropped me a sms.
Mingli and Sheryl, in Taiwan, smsed me too!
The Zone gave me a DKNY watch on Tuesday, which was almost exactly the same one I have. I managed to bring it for exchange and took home a nice nice round-faced one!
Pastor got me Eternity but I wanted Eternity Moment leh.
And when the leaders rara-ed that I can bring to the shop to change, Pastor went " arr, bought in KL last week!"
We all flipped!
With hipcups here and there, I still very much had fun with my zone because of their heart.
Ah Rong doesn't seem convinced that I enjoyed myself but I did (please believe me!)!!
In 2 hours time, we will be in Kukop to have seafood. Yummy yum!
N154 asked me out for a meal next week and I am so glad they still remembered.
I am glad-er Xiaozhu smsed me.
Ex colleagues, CRPPians, had a simple dinner but we had fun catching up!
Wrapping up, 6 September 2008 has been a unforgetable day in both ways.
But the joy triumphs over the disappointment in 49 ways!
Amen and amen.
