I'm a little scared Papa

From the day I decided to give up on that vision, I know I can give up on almost everything else. Now, it's coming to pass. It's scary to realise that.
What I was once stubborn about, had vanished; that which I used to stand firm on, I had compromised; what I could not let go, seems to have slipped out from my grip; what I did day and night, was no longer in sight. And all happened, in such a short period of time.
Life is now like a tower that has collapsed overnight and I'm clueless about how to re-build it so that history won't repeat itself. Perhaps, that is why it didn't last. God should be the architect in the first place. Why did I take over?
Other than my salvation, there are or rather were, 2 things that I can't/ couldn't shake off. Now, they don't cling onto me the way they used to. Everyday, I'm looking for alternatives and possibilities.
I know I ain't happy. But I know I gotta get going. I'm not going to invite depression to come in the way it intruded 9 years ago. My bed was my best friend then and sleep was my favorite hobby. I believed in "ostrich's theory" - if I don't see it or think about it, the problem will go away. It took me slightly longer to understand that ostrichs are actually cowards who refuse reality. Before that, I buried myself under the blanket for months. I was a modern ostrich with the luxury of a comfy mattress and lotsa huggy toys.
I wanna be enveloped in God's presence instead. I choose to.